I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
