I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
