guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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