im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I pour the whiskey from now on
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
