I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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