dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
