the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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