Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
