It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux