you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
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I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.