I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
