I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
