I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
