Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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