McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My bed smells like the plague
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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