Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
