Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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