There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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