Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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