please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you never un-have a 4some
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
