if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
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I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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