How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
