ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
