3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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