My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
