I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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