Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
