I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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