How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
