You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
