Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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