If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
