you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
