Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
