did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
