Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize