I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
