Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
