I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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