god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
