I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Randomize
