Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
