if i can run in heels then i can drive
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
