we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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