is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
