I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
