he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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