my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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