The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
