note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
