too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
