Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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