She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
