i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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