I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
