ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
