I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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