I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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