She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
