You're completely useless in the revolution.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
