I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
