I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
